Torch Song: Being & Niceness

BTS help people, it's a fact, they help through their words, their songs their actions and just being who they are. It's also fair to say that they themselves represent the most under supported gender in terms of mental health care.

They have never been shy in talking about how they feel, the hardships they have gone through and how they have come out the other side.

We at BTS Radio UK wanted to come together with ARMY across the world to support a charity wholly focused on the mental health of men, preventing suicide and supporting the families affected by male mental health.

WHAT IS CALM?

We are the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) and we’re leading a movement against suicide, the single biggest killer of men under the age of 45 in the UK through frontline services, national campaigns, and by building communities.

WHY?

·  6,507 people died by suicide in 2018 (ONS)

· Every day on average 17 people take their own life in the UK and three in every four suicides are male (ONS)

·  Of men under the age of 45 in the UK, more than 4 in 10 have contemplated taking their own life, but fewer than half these men told anyone how they were feeling (YouGov)

·  Only 55% of men who’ve experienced depression will tell anyone about it, compared to 67% of women (CALM’s Masculinity Audit 2016).

·   84% of men say they bottle up their emotions (YouGov)

HOW?

CALM takes an active and positive approach to changing this unacceptable picture:

1. We operate on the front line, delivering services for anyone in crisis or distress, supporting the people around them who are looking for advice, and those bereaved by suicide
2. We campaign for long-term culture change to help raise awareness of suicide and change a culture where some people feel they can’t ask, or shouldn’t, ask for help when they’re down.
3. We spread our message and facilitate supportive spaces in workplaces, universities, pubs, clubs and prisons across the country – so that people feel empowered to share their experiences and get the help they need before they reach the point of crisis.

THE CALM APPROACH

CALM is a platform for expression and collaboration, where we actively reject living miserably to embrace and celebrate all interpretations of masculinity. 

CALM PROVIDES 

Frontline services

·  Anyone can hit crisis point. We run a free and confidential helpline and webchat – 7 hours a day, 7 days a week for anyone who needs to talk about life’s problems

· We support those bereaved by suicide, through the Support After Suicide Partnership (SASP)

·   theCALMzone.net is CALM’s website, hosting inspiring content alongside information and support

Campaigns

·   Everyone has a part to play. We campaign with media partners, brands and ambassadors to spread awareness of suicide and its devastating impact with campaigns like #Project84, #DontBottleItUp and The Best Man Project. We challenge boring male stereotypes and encourage positive behavioural change and help-seeking behaviour, using cultural touch points like art, music, sport and comedy

OUR IMPACT

·  CALM’s helpline and web chat services directly prevented 675 suicides in 2018

· Since CALM was founded in 2006, awareness of male suicide has quadrupled and currently sits at 45% nationally

·  CALM supports in excess of 10,000 contacts on the helpline and web chat each month

WHERE THE MONEY GOES

·  £8 Enables CALM to answer one potentially life-saving call

·  £24 Provides support materials to 4 families who have lost someone to suicide

· £109 Equips a volunteer with vital training and ongoing support to spread the CALM message across the UK

·  £440 Trains and equips a professional helpline worker to speak to people in crisis

thecalmzone.net | @thecalmzone

We are hoping you will donate towards this wonderful charity and the work it is doing, here: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/bts-radio-uk-mybtstorchsong

To thank you for your support we approached some male army to talk about their experiences of mental health, they have kindly sent us their BTS songs that have become their torch songs, songs that touch you and get you through those moments something CALM knows about through their torch songs campaign.  #whatsyourtorchsong 

Read and share their stories, thank them for their honesty, donate and listen to their joint playlist here: #MyBTSTorchSong in support of CALM

Joseph Shackley aka Being & Niceness has been a journalist all of his adult life after studying Philosophy at university. He is primarily a sports journalist and has worked for numerous publications, currently exploring the art of being nice. 
His blog Beingandniceness.com explores numerous avenues and ever since he stumbled onto a post by @TheOnionBTS talking about BTS' music being a "Nirvana" and responding thinking he was clicking on the actual Nirvana track "Smells Like Teen Spirit", the BTS ARMY were quick to introduce him to the BTS Universe. He has since researched BTS and their music, even doing some covers. 

Being and Niceness x BTS Radio UK - men, mental health and loving yourself 

I’d like to start this post by saying thank you to BTS Radio UK for asking me to be a part of their mental health awareness project. The current focus on men and the difficulties we experience has become more and more pronounced in recent years as attitudes towards masculinity continue to shift and develop (for the better, I might add). 

Increasing numbers of men are coming to the realisation that it’s not only okay to talk about their feelings, but actually beneficial to their well-being. It’s heart-warming to be a part of any project which aims to banish the stigma of opening up and dispelling these archaic, and frankly toxic, notions of masculinity and what used to be expected of ‘real men’. 

There will always be more strength in unity, and sharing a burden, than there is in one person going it alone with their troubles like some kind of misguided old patriarch or matriarch. The notion that the ‘man of the house’ should be able to cope with such things is outdated, unhelpful and frankly pretty dangerous. As far as I’m concerned, there should be no need to even categorise mental health in terms of gender - if one is feeling low, depressed or psychologically unstable, they’re simply a human being who needs help. And this is part of the reason I have felt an affinity with BTS, the BTS Army and groups like BTS Radio UK since I first came across them about a year ago. 

Strength of the Army

BTS’ project transcends music by helping people of all ages and backgrounds come to terms with the difficulties of life in a shared, inclusive, safe space. Armys are not only brought together by a love of music or dance, but the opportunity to participate in something that makes them feel accepted, appreciated and worthwhile - it is a life-affirming project that protects, encourages and brings meaning and value to those who take part in it. And so I am always delighted to do my bit to keep the positive vibes going.

On that note, I was asked by Marsha at BTS Radio UK to take a look at some BTS song lyrics and just give a few thoughts on mental health and the struggles faced by us all in contemporary society. I did a cover of The Truth Untold some time ago (you can watch it here - https://twitter.com/being_niceness) and so Marsha thought that would be a good place for me to do my Being and Niceness thing - so here goes. I don’t actually know the song is supposed to be about - I’ll be totally honest about that. All I’ve done is absorb the lyrics as much as I could and derived my own ideas and sentiments from them. Here are my thoughts...

The Truth Untold

The Truth Untold speaks to me of the intense loneliness one feels when we when we want someone who doesn’t want us back. There is a mention of a flower (Smeraldo, I assume?) and that has connotations with fragility and delicateness. And of course the “ruined part of myself” that one must not show, as well as the mask we all wear. There are clear links to Carl Jung’s ideas on the Persona and Shadow sides of our human being here - and I actually wonder if the line “But I still want you” could even be from the perspective of the other in this case. Despite all the flaws that hide in your Shadow side, and the “foolish mask” I know you wear to come see me, I do actually still want you. Maybe so. Maybe not.

I think that’s an important message to remember anyway - that despite all our flaws, we ARE good enough for the other. Don’t ever think you’re not good enough for someone else. “Because I’m a monster,” Jimin sings. First things first, the man is absolutely beautiful - let’s get that straight! But in all seriousness, he’s right. He is a monster. We are all monsters in some way - that’s just a part of being human. Melanie Klein’s paranoid-schizoid position shows us that we have these duelling feelings of love and hate at the very core of our being from infancy onwards. What’s important to our mental health is that we accept who we are - the good and the bad.

We all feel envious and jealous sometimes - especially of those we really care about. We push the buttons of those we love all the time, and they too constellate complexes in us, in that Jungian sense, on a daily basis. Human beings have the capacity for hateful feelings just as they do for loving ones. That doesn’t mean we’re all bad people and it doesn’t mean those negative sentiments have to define us. One cannot expect to necessarily unite their conscious and unconscious sides overnight, but it is perhaps important to see one’s whole life, and Jung’s Individuation process, as an ongoing project. Don’t be so hard on yourself - try to be the best person you can be. Believe in yourself - and accept that you’re going to make mistakes. But also try to learn from them and be a better person every single day. 

Love fate

And realise that you have self-worth - love yourself. Be proud of who you are. “I’m so afraid. That you will leave me again in the end” - this is a sentiment we’ve all experienced at some time. Fear of destroying or losing love - the pain of losing someone. We’ve all suffered damage to our mental health through break-ups, unrequited love or mistakes that we’ve made which hurt those we love. This of course is a part of life - and one would be well served to refer to Friedrich Nietzsche’s stoic amor fati philosophy in this instance. Life is a series of ups and downs which help to make us who we are. Rather than see such losses as wholly negative, instead try to adopt a different perspective - a “love of fate”. Try to see life as a culmination and accumulation of all these positive AND negative experiences and appreciate that they’re all a part of the story of who we are.

One cannot help but feel down sometimes. But the difficulties we face can also be a source of strength - because our mistakes can help us to forge brighter futures if we’re prepared to learn from them. It’s actually good for one’s mental health to embrace EVERYTHING that happens to us in life - good and bad - as building blocks of our overall character. On a similar vein is the Nietzschean notion of eternal recurrence - it’s not simply about probability and the likelihood of endless repetition in the cosmos, but rather a guide to viewing suffering differently. If you are unhappy about something in your life, would you wish to repeat it over and over again - or would you prefer to do something about it? The existentialist in me would say you actually DO have the power to make that change. It is YOUR responsibility and YOUR opportunity to seize the day - so seize it!

Do not dwell in the loneliness of the crumbling walls of your sandcastle, wishing to bloom that pretty flower that resembles the one you longed for. Take all that shame, regret and suffering and use it therapeutically - all that you’ve learned and experienced can actually help you to be a better person in the long run. Forget about that broken mask - it is only one small part of who you truly are. Appreciate yourself for all the good qualities you do have and work on those that you wish to change. Own your mistakes and your monstrous Shadow side and try to enjoy the journey of life - both the ups AND downs - as much as you can. The truth is, we are a product of everything we encounter - a rich tapestry of experiences - and, after all that, if they STILL don’t want you, keep fighting - because someone will.

Don’t be a man - be a good person

I guess that what I’m trying to say with all of this is that it’s okay to be down sometimes. We all experience heartbreak. We all feel lonely. We all make mistakes. You don’t need to ‘be a man about it’ and keep your feelings to yourself. Rather, be a human being about it - and accept that we all feel these things, and that by sharing our feelings with others, we can actually address a lot of the troublesome issues we have. You don’t need to soldier on when you have an Army out there to help you. There is strength in numbers. It’s okay to be vulnerable. And it’s okay to seek support. Nothing is expected of you - except to be a good person. If you treat your fellow man with kindness, respect and love, you will be happier as a result. And when those bad times do come around - and they will - try to appreciate the downs as you do the ups. They are all just threads in the great fabric of life. 

And so, that’s all from me for now. Thanks for reading.

Songs on Joe's Playlist include:

1. The Truth Untold - It's the first BTS song that I came across that I added to my personal playlist; a beautiful and powerful number.

2. Dimple - An underrated pop jam that makes you feel good and want to dance.

3. Epiphany - The song which led me to meeting all you Army folk, it's been a pleasure and it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't commented on a twitter post about this song.

You can follow the Joe on the following social platforms:

Twitter: @being_niceness

Blog Website: https://beingandniceness.com/

(there is a whole series there exploring themes from Map of the Soul by Murray Stein; the book behind much of the philosophy in BTS' work.)