Black Swan Review - Marsha

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Black Swan: A Review

by

Marsha Night

I've rewritten this quite a few times now but I will never be able to convey the exact thoughts and feeling that I have with this song as words just are not enough to express the way this makes me feel. So, I've decided to write anyway with my own story and own view of the song itself.

Bear with me.

I've been singing all my life, from outside of primary school when waiting for my mum to pick me up, on top of a Yellow Pages (Phone Directory) at my grandma's house to school plays, vocal coaching all the way to more recently being in a band and performing at festivals on the BBC Introducing Stage. 

Very recently my mental and physical health has not been very good and I've been struggling to perform and give my full commitment, energy and passion to the band I love with all my heart to the point where exactly one day ago, I decided I needed to leave the band for their benefit over my own.

You can maybe see why this song has me feeling everything yet unable to fully express that feeling also. I'm in a very weird place.

At first I watched the dance film with wide eyed curiosity without looking at the lyrics (I do this with all MV's first) and it was about one minute or so in when I started to get emotional. By the time the main dancer was walking down the escalator I was hysterical. Everything after that was a bit of a blur but I finally came back when the dancers were embracing ready for the final flight.

I felt really overwhelmed and I felt like it was an actual representation of how I felt inside currently, it just spoke to me on such a level that had me confused and clued in at the same time. 

Then I looked at the lyrics...

Well, my heart was wrenched out and put back in again upside down.

The feeling of being on the ocean floor and surrounded by darkness is a very familiar feeling to me and where I am at right now, the shadow that follows you no matter how hard you run.

"I been always afraid of If this can no longer resonate, No longer make my heart vibrate"

This is the feeling of pure nothing when you are doing something that you love, there's no emotion to put into it anymore. It just exists.

This is how I've felt for some time when I've been recording songs and playing live on stage. I used to get butterflies and when I sang I felt empowered and alive, now I just feel like I'm going through a motion that I don't own. I have no control of myself or the music.

"Every noise and sound’s been cut yeah yeah yeah"

You are making the sound, the melody but because you have lost yourself, there is no meaning - no sound or heartbeat to the melodies anymore.

"Sinking slowly like in a trance nah nah nah

Struggle but it’s all ocean floor nah nah

Every moment becomes eternity yeah yeah yeah"

I feel this as the whole thought of performing, writing lyrics and melodies becoming more of a chore than something enjoyable, like you are running but on the spot.

"Do your thang

Do your thang with me now

Do your thang

Do your thang with me now

What’s my thang

What’s my thang tell me now

Tell me now"

For me, this is like almost talking to yourself saying "Come on! Just do your thing like you always do" with the other side of me completely lost and so unsure asking "what's your thing? What do you actually do?"

It's critical "question time" inside of your own head.

The mid to end part of the song is traumatic yet hopeful, I'm not at this point of my journey just yet, but I do have the hope that this instills for the future me.

"Yeah I think I’m goin’ deeper I keep losing focus

No, just let go of me

Let my own feet carry me

I’ll go in myself In the deepest depths I saw myself

Slowly, I open my eyes

I’m in my workroom, it’s my studio

The waves go darkly by in a throe

But I’ll never get dragged away again

Inside I saw myself, myself"

I can only guess the meaning of this as being in a pit of desperation, silenced and emotionless at the same time but in a twist of fate, see themselves (within) in a glimmer of light and realise that the music is what they have inside, it beats in their heart and is part of them, they have no choice but to continue as it's the only way to save themselves. It's all they have and that's enough to keep going to reignite the spark that burned so bright at the beginning.

I do hope that I will be able to overcome my troubles and find the passion and love that I had for so many years again. I don't really know who I am without music.

BTS have really created something so powerful and exquisite in this song, along with its amazing dance video performed by the MN Dance Company. It's really raw, thought provoking and emotion inducing - almost as if they have created a musical diary that we have all now read. 

I am extremely thankful to BTS for making music that speaks the truth and are not afraid to explore their inner most darkest feelings for us to hear publicly. I believe it helps us understand ourselves better and not feel so alone in our own thoughts, I believe this is their intention.

** Please note, this is how I interpret the song - I understand that there could be other meanings to words/phrases. This is just how I feel and how the song resonates with me personally in my current situation.